Saturday, March 10, 2007

The things that shape us.

I read a blog the other day that hit a cord with me, for many different reasons, and I have spend some time mulling it over as I tend to do. The timing is kind of spooky, and I had been mulling of old ghosts recently too.

To quote a paragraph of the blog "I spent all of my childhood being told to shut up. Being told that my opinions were worthless. Being made to feel useless. So much so that I became very introverted and unable to express how I was feeling. It's so ingrained into my brain that I start to believe it myself. I find it hard to feel loved; I just don't feel worthy of it. I find if something becomes difficult it's easier for me to turn and run or clam up than it is to face it head on and admit to my own weaknesses. It's stupid, I know it is and it is something I very much need to overcome. I don't want to push you away but there will be times when I will. It's a defence mechanism to stop myself from getting hurt."

I have always been interested in people’s minds, how they think, how they feel and why they do. They say memories are important, and that our childhood moulds us. I believe this is very true, I also believe that everything happens for a reason, we just don’t always know what that may be at the time it happens. Often we don’t see much past where we are to be able to see how to grow and learn from what you are going through. I posted a while back on how words can effect us too (Words) How people treat us in life not just as, but especially when we are children, can have a profound effect on us.

Where is all this going... well I don’t know, like I said I have been mulling things over and this is a self indulgent blog, me just rambling away. I like to write it's one way I found to get my thoughts and emotions worked through, but I have also been watching someone grown, more than they even realise, and it’s wonderful to see.

I am no different to anyone out there, we all have baggage, me included. Some of us just carry heavier bags than the rest. What is important to me is not the weight of them, but how we learn not to let it continue to cause us emotional and mental damage and drag us down. Learning to lock them away where they belong is all part of how we move on, but just how do we do that, when they can so easily change how we feel, one little word, one small action and memories can come flooding back that cause us to falter, even on our strongest days. Yes I am Domme, but I am human and vulnerable to, just like everyone is, and yes, I have been down this road, I do understand about self doubt, and insecurities.

One thing I do know is that I would not wish to change the things I have been though in my life, simply because in doing so I would not be me, the person I am today, nor would I be where I am either. Don't get me wrong, there were times in my life I never thought today, and feeling as happy and content with life as I do would ever be possible. But you know, the mind has a clever way of somehow allowing some of those memories to fade, they are always there, but when I look back or talk about it, its like it was someone else, not me. Having the ride though life I have had helps me to understand how people think, how things can effect one person and not another, how important positive re-enforcement is, especially as a Domme. It’s not all about pulling someone up when they make mistakes, but telling them when they have done things to make you proud, things that may not always be easy, sometimes things they may not even notice themselves changing.

Of course, the damage done takes a long time to undo, changing habits of a lifetime always does. Often when faced with a situation they are not sure about, it is easy to clam up, to beat yourself up, expect the worst... after all... why would anyone love you? In expecting the worst, in telling themselves these things, they hope to protect themselves from more hurt, so up go the defences... locking the people who care firmly out for a while. It can take a lot of patience and gentle encouragement to be allowed back in. Therefore when someone allows their defences down and lets another in when they have always kept people at arms length is never easy, so I do recognise how much someone has grown within themselves when they do that with me.

I have watched him sit and talk things through with me, when I know he thinks the worst, or wants to run. It shows a man who is prepared to listen and learn, a person who has come a long way in a short space of time, and that in itself can feel unsettling. That is what make me so proud of you.

Our past does shape us, and when we hit new ground it is always approached with caution, but it is also the place we often manage to dump some of our baggage and move on with a lighter load, if we don't life will eventually bog us down where we stand. I firmly believe in looking forward in life but, just now and again, we should look back and see how far we have come, and how much baggage we have lost along the way.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Voices...

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Thursday, March 08, 2007

Songs

I came across this song the other day Blues Traveller - Yours

While there are a few lyrics that puzzle me, on the whole I like the song, the first time I heard it it sent shivers down my spine, it has so much feeling in it.

you are mine, all mine ;) what more is there to say.


Yours

You, with your hand outstretched
Finger on the key
This lock that you release
Is opening but isn't free
And i hope that you can see
How it beats inside of me
Instead of pushing fear aside
I want to run I want to hide
I am vulnerably yours

She, who is wanting me
Whose touch can make me cry
I can only understand
By never asking her why
Hear the contradictions fly
And as hard as I may try
Every truth becomes a lie
In the ache of her reply
I am passionately...
Yours

And the saddest eyes are
Yours
And the softest skin is
Yours, Yours
So won't you let me in I'm yours
All that I begin is yours
Every prize I win is yours
At your feet again I'm yours
All I am is yours

All I am is wanting you
I've fallen down and I can't seem to come to
If I should die before I wake
I commend my soul into this ache
Up above the world so high
Where the water tends to meet the sky
She's all I'm after by the toe
And I won't let go...
And I wanted you to know
That if you reap what you would sew
I would take it blow by blow
All I am is...
Yours

And the softest skin is
Yours, Yours
And the hope I borrow is
Yours, Yours
So won't you let me in i'm yours
All that I begin is yours
Every prize I win is yours
At your feet again I'm yours
All I am is yours
Yours

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

My Pledge as a Mistress

When I take on a submissive, I make a pledge to myself and to them.

They offer themselves to me, mind, body, soul and emotions.

In retrun I pledge...

To cherish you, not only as my submissive, but as the warm, caring, intelligent sensitive man that you are.

I shall never intentionally harm you, and although I know, I am not perfect, I shall try to act wisely in all things.

If I make a mistake, then I will admit it, and learn from it.

I shall continually strive to guide you and teach you to help you and support you, as you make the difficult decisions, which precede growth.

I will be patient, as you grow, knowing that all things take time and change often does not come easily. But even in my patience, I shall continually push you forward and not allow you to fall backwards. If in anything you do fall, I shall be there to catch you, hold you, comfort you, support you and then place you back on track.

If I ever lose my temper, I shall step back from that situation until I regain control, then deal with what has occurred. I will not speak in anger, nor will I act irrationally or hastily, you shall always have the opportunity to explain what has happened, before I decide what must be done, then my actions will always be based on correcting you, not punishing you.

I will continue to build trust, being open and honest with you, always encouraging you and never belittling you, always having in interest in all of your life.

I shall always communicate with you, even when it may not be easy for me, showing both my strengths and weaknesses, being open and honest.

The energy flow is like Yin and Yang, you are submissive, I am dominant, two sides of the same coin, one by itself is worthless, so while we have very different roles, we are both important.

I will treasure you, knowing without you, I have no more than an unfulfilled desire.